We have learned that Donald J. Trump has made the following secret deals:
Donald J. Trump will buy the White House for $53 million and rename it The Trump House. The government will lease the property back from Trump for $5.3 million per year in perpetuity. The lease rate will be adjusted for inflation.
The position of First Lady will be determined by competition rather than by marriage. Donald J. Trump will personally conduct a world-wide search for the best candidate, who will be chosen based on beauty, poise, flexibility, endurance, and freedom from sexually transmitted diseases. Candidates must be a 10 on the Proprietary Trump Scale of Beauty and Compliance. To keep the entire one year non-renewable appointment the First Lady must maintain at least a 9 on the Trump Scale.
Note: This method of choosing the First Lady will continue after Trump’s rein ends. Inspection rights will be inherited by his offspring. In years where the President is a female then the First Lady must also be bisexual.
Bill Clinton will pay Donald J. Trump $53 million for the rights to put all candidates for First Lady through his own proprietary and confidential Ways and Means Test. In effect, in exchange for equal access to women, Bill Clinton is buying the White House for Donald Trump and Trump will receive $5.3 million in perpetuity.
Donald J. Trump will purchase “naming rights” to the office of the Presidency. In exchange for $569,000 per anum for eight years (renewable in four year increments thereafter). This means that he will be introduced as follows: “Please give a warm welcome to The Donald J. Trump President of the United States of America, Mr. Donald J. Trump.” If Hillary Clinton were to eventually become president, she would be introduced as “The Donald J. Trump President, Ms. Hillary Clinton.”
Clearly his best deal ever.
And it could get even sweeter.
After he sues us for leaking this story the settlement might even make him richer.
We’re standing by. Wish us luck.